I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Randomize
