I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I want a musical about memes.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
