Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
