ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
