we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
