i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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