Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
