I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
