kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Randomize
