I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
