the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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