i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
