Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
