when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
