Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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