someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Help me help you realize you are a moron
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
