11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
