I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You left your phone here
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