I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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