Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
