We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
