I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I party with great urgency now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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