Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
