Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
