the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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