Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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