my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
