so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
