I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
