her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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