im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
two words: eviction party
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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