I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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