I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
