he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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