He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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