my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Randomize
