I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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