If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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