It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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