It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
