I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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