I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Randomize
