Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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