I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
