Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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