I think im going to throw up on grandma
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
