Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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