This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
