Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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