Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
