I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
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