Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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