Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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