Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
