At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
